Approaching “mistakes” or things that don’t go well with self-criticism is never helpful and makes it difficult to learn from our experience. Instead, try gentle inquiry. Here’s how:
Last night in group Maria shared, “I did it again. I left the house without planning for hunger. I went to the office for a long day with only a granola bar. Of course, I ended up starving and buying junk food.”
“When I came home in the evening, I hadn’t gone shopping and had nothing good for dinner. I ended up eating a crappy box of Mac and Cheese,” she said. “What’s my problem? I know better! Why do I do this to myself?” Maria’s tone was critical; her voice aggravated; her “Why?” harsh.
When we ask ourselves, “Why did I do that?” from a place of exasperation and anger, we aren’t asking a sincere question. Our “Why?” is a criticism. Code for, “I’m such an idiot, jerk, basket case, (or whatever mean thing you can fill in this blank).” Our “Why?” is a reprimand, which only elicits feelings of shame and fear, not genuine answers. This is what I call a Harsh Why.
A Harsh Why is a smoke screen. We are not looking for answers, but for a way to beat ourselves up. The Harsh Why is a distraction which keeps us stuck in self-judgment.
If you’ve done something you’re not pleased with and notice yourself asking “Why?” in a harsh, unsympathetic tone, switch to a Soft Why. A Soft Why doesn’t blame or assume the worst. It won’t generate feelings of shame or fear. A Soft Why is curious and kind. It tries to understand. A Soft Why is looking for information so it can help.
I suggested Maria switch to a Soft Why to understand her difficulty planning for meals. When she asks, “What’s my problem? Why do I do this to myself?” Maria assumes she is flawed. But if instead she could ask, “I wonder why it’s hard for me to plan ahead. I feel better when I do, but something prevents me from doing this. Why?” She is not assuming incompetence or stupidity. Her Soft Why assumes there must be a good reason for her behavior which she hasn’t yet understood. Through gentle probing and thoughtfulness, she may be able to figure out what’s going on and what she might need to better care for herself.
She might discover through this process that planning ahead triggers resentment about having to take care of herself. Maybe Maria’s angry because no one ever planned properly for her and now she has to do it for herself. Maybe her resistance is a form of protest. Perhaps she’s still waiting for someone else to come and take care of her.
Before she can accept that she must be in charge of taking care of her own needs, Maria might need to feel angry and to grieve. If she asks, “Why?” in a kind and curious way, she may discover what her resistance is trying to say and what’s needed to move forward.
A Soft Why is friendly, not punitive. It opens the door to possibilities and makes room for complexity. A Soft Why helps us relax so we can feel safe enough to examine and learn about our behavior.
A Lesson in the Soft Why
When I was fourteen, I shoplifted. After school, the three of us friends went to Alexander’s Department Store. I pocketed a Bob Dylan cassette tape, Susan stole a Grateful Dead, and Jill picked the Doors. None of us had ever done anything illegal before.
Security caught as we were leaving the store. We were escorted to the basement of the building and held in a small cell. Two stern men in uniforms interrogated us, and then reprimanded us. I was mortified. A few hours later we were released and banned from ever returning to Alexander’s. I felt deeply ashamed and frightened. What was I thinking? Why did I do something so stupid? I had always been so good. I had never stolen anything in my life. Now I was a criminal.
A few weeks later, when I opened the door to my house after school, I noticed my mother sitting stiffly on the living room sofa. Something seemed off. Instead of her usual, “Hi, how was your day?,” rage flashed across her face. Instantly I knew she’d found out. After the incident, I bargained with God. I promised never to shoplift again and to be good for as long as I live if God fixed it so Alexander’s would forget to inform my parents. No such luck. The letter that the department store had threatened to send had finally arrived.
My mom was livid. She yelled and screamed like never before. “Why did you do this? You know better! What is wrong with you? This is not how I raised you! I’m ashamed of you! I’m too ashamed to even tell your father that you did something so stupid!”
Welcome to the Harsh Why.
I knew she wasn’t looking for answers. And if she was, I couldn’t give them. Her rage left me terrified, humiliated and speechless. I couldn’t think straight.
Later that night, Susan called to see if my mom got the letter. I told her yes and asked, “Did you get in trouble too?”
She said, “Not really, my mom and I had a long talk about why I did it, especially since I could have bought the cassettes. She told me about a time she did something similar and explained that sometimes we do things when we are younger to see what we can get away with. But sometimes we do things to get our parents’ attention. She wondered if I had wanted her attention since she had been working all the time. I think that may have been some of it.”
“We talked about my missing her and some of the stuff that’s been going on for me and that was helpful. I guess I also thought it would make us cool somehow,” Susan said. After talking to her mom, my friend was not left with shame, but rather insight into her behavior.
The benefit of the Soft Why.
Next time you overeat, eat mindlessly, watch hours of junky TV, or avoid moving your body and you find yourself asking a Harsh Why, stop. Shift to a Soft Why. You can even add an, “I wonder.” As in, “I wonder why I did that?”
Let your “Why?” come from a place of kindness and curiosity. Be patient and listen for answers. They may not come at once.
The Soft Why will help you examine the roots of your behavior. It will help you become mindful of your fears and feelings and, over time, will allow you to discover what you might need to move ahead.
If you don’t berate yourself, but instead become curious, things will eventually become clearer. Don’t assume your actions are a result of stupidity or laziness or that you are simply a hopeless case. Even if you don’t understand your behavior yet, know that there are always good reasons for your actions–reasons that deserve compassion and attention.